A MERRY CHRISTMAS? NOT SO SURE…


As a father and divorced man Christmas and new year’s does not necessarily have the same meaning as it does to most others. Even though I have family that live relatively close by (parents, siblings, Etc.), Christmas for me is a time to remember that I have not been able to be with my children in over fifteen years. The feelings are less intense now, less crippling but, they are still there; the pain, sadness, shame and weariness all come back to remind me and to haunt me. While my children are grown (my youngest is eighteen), there is still this emptiness that wells up this time of the year. Time after time I find myself daydreaming that my arms are cupped as if to hold a child only to feel the emptiness and ‘something’ that slips through my arms and my fingers like water – I can never hold on to it.

By now, the hope that someone, anyone – maybe even my children – would see the sacrifices that I’ve made is all but gone. In fact, by now, most all my dreams and hopes concerning family are all but gone. I feel like I’m trying to crawl out of a deep pit and every time I try, I slip back further and further. The one sliver of hope – and it is diminishing day by day – is the notion that my children, as adults, would want to reconcile and I can have a family again. But, it is another Christmas and I get no messages, no phone calls, no indication that I am even remembered. Day by day, time slips by and I’m so weary…


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3 thoughts on “A MERRY CHRISTMAS? NOT SO SURE…

  1. Pingback: A MERRY CHRISTMAS? « Christian Boomer

  2. If it were possible to rank painful experiences by three criteria — most widespread, most profound and least-recognized — I believe that being a divorced father would be among the topmost. Divorce, of course, is extremely common, yet few people other than the divorced dads themselves have an inkling of how deeply the loss of their families affects these men. That is probably due at least in part to the stoicism the stereotypical male model calls for. In other words, we keep it to ourselves because we don’t want to be seen as whiners who can’t take it. Blog posts like this may help get the word out someday and inspire a change for the better, perhaps in time for our own sons to benefit. Thanks.

  3. Hello Mark,

    Thank you for commenting on my blog. You are so right! What I have been noticing is that men, particularly boomers, are finally starting to talk. However slowly, however clumsily, however it comes out – we are moving to the place where we will speak our pain.

    Regards,

    boomerlife

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